A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"
One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."
"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."
The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"
The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."
The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.
A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
> And then the fight started
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to
> apply for
> Social Security.
> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's
> License to verify my age.
> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
> home.
> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to
> go home
> and come back later.
> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough
> for me' and she
> processed my Social Security application..
> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my
> experience at the
> Social Security office...
> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might
> have gotten
> disability, too.'
> And then the fight started...
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
> anniversary.
> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
> in about 3 seconds."
> I bought her a bathroom scale.
> And then the fight started......
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
> She asked, "What's on TV?"
> I said, "Dust."
> And then the fight started...
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept
> hinting to me
> that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
> something else to take
> care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always
> something more
> important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to
> make her point.
> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
> grass, busily
> snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I
> watched silently for
> a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
> a minute, and
> when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
> "When you finish
> cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
> limp.
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
> reunion, and she
> kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat
> alone at a
> nearby table.
> I asked her, "Do you know him?"
> "Yes", she sighed,
> "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking
> right after we
> split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been
> sober since."
> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
> celebrating that long?"
> And then the fight started...
> I took my wife to a restaurant.
> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
> "Nah, she can order for herself."
> And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
> while we were in bed.
> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
> 'No,' she answered. I then said,
> 'Is that your final answer?'
> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,
> 'Yes..'
> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
> And that's when the fight started...
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
> as a
> Christmas gift...
> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
> When she asked me why, I replied,
> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
> year!"
> And that's how the fight started.....
