A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.B: I'm not. I'm her mothe...
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher....
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."The doctor asks, "What do you mean?"The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts."The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"...
Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.Boy: What are the two things?Girl: Your feet....
A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday....
> My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.> She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,> "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.> I really need you to pay me a compliment.'> I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."> And then the fight start...
> After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to> apply for> Social Security.> The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's> License to verify my age.> I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at> home.> I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to> go home> and come back later.> The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.> So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.> She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough> for me' and she> processed my Social Security application..> When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my> experience at the> Social Security office...> She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might> have gotten> disability, too.'> And...
> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming> anniversary.> She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150> in about 3 seconds."> I bought her a bathroom scale.> And then the fight started.......
> My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.> She asked, "What's on TV?"> I said, "Dust."> And then the fight started....
> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept> hinting to me> that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had> something else to take> care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always> something more> important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to> make her point.> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall> grass, busily> snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I> watched silently for> a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only> a minute, and> when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,> "When you finish> cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."> lim...
> My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school> reunion, and she> kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat> alone at a> nearby table.> I asked her, "Do you know him?"> "Yes", she sighed,> "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking> right after we> split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been> sober since."> "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on> celebrating that long?"> And then the fight started....
> I took my wife to a restaurant.> The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.> "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."> He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"> "Nah, she can order for herself."> And that's when the fight started......
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire> while we were in bed.> I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'> 'No,' she answered. I then said,> 'Is that your final answer?'> She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,> 'Yes..'> So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."> And that's when the fight started....
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot> as a> Christmas gift...> The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.> When she asked me why, I replied,> "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last> year!"> And that's how the fight started......
